I am tired.

Typical for living in Haiti, AND for all the transition that has been happening, AND all the changes that have occurred over the last year.

Typical for people who work with sick and dying babies - we have had 3 babies die in August because they came to us just too sick.

Typical for having to not only work my full time job but also fundraise to cover my bills.

Let’s be honest - I came to Haiti knowing that I would be a “missionary” - living off of donations/support. I knew I was not going to be receiving a salary. And that was totally fine with me - I know a lot of people in the same situation, and we could all support each other in that struggle.

And for some reason, since I’ve been back , I am STRUGGLING with stressing and worrying about money.

And I don’t like feeling this way - feeling like I have to constantly ask for money, feeling like I can’t be as generous as I want to be because I am afraid I won’t have enough to feed myself, feeling like I can’t do my therapy work well because I am stressing over my bills, feeling like I think and talk about nothing else. It is not a fun place to be in or work through.

And then, over this last week, in the midst of everything, being with different people, thinking about where I have been over the last year, and what I have gone through in the last year - I remembered how God has provided for me through EVERYTHING.

When I needed an organization to work with - He gave me Middle Ground.

When I needed community and friends - He gave me so many people in this area.

Before I truly needed a Haiti support system - He gave me people across the world over years of relationship and work.

When I needed a safe home in Haiti - He provided TWO perfect (for me) places within the last year.

When my foot was broken - He made sure all my medical bills were covered, and that I received the medical care I needed, including having all my evacuation and physical therapy costs completely covered.

When I needed to set up my first REAL home in Haiti - He provided the finances AND some incredible deals so that I could really settle in and relax for the first time in years.

And this is only looking at the last year of my life - the list is too big if I look beyond the last year, or look at all the little moments of provision that happen every day.

God has ALWAYS provided for me - sometimes is has been the exact amount JUST in time, sometimes it has been over and above my needs, and has allowed me to breathe and be generous to the people around me. Sometimes it has been through paid projects, most often through donations and gifts.

AND, honestly, if I had a salary, I would not get to see God’s provision in my life in the same way. Right now, it is so glaringly obvious that I am only making it in Haiti ONLY BECAUSE GOD - because of the people He has placed in my life, and the relationships that He has orchestrated, and His provision. It’s hard not to feel abundantly loved when I see how well Papa God takes care of me in any circumstance.

I don’t want to become a stressed, cynical, burnt-out missionary because of money.

I need to remind myself every day, to practice actively recognizing the provision and blessings in my life, to keep turning my gaze towards Jesus.

I want to view my life like the story of the loaves and fishes - I am bringing the little bit that I have, and I get to live the miracle of provision that doesn’t make sense, that isn’t logical, that is over and above and overflowing.

I want to always think “Typical - God came through again. Always.”

Thursday I was basically out of cash - I needed 1500g (about $16) to pay for food from the market on Friday, and I didn’t have it. Thursday morning, my landlady paid me back the 1500g she had borrowed from me.

Typical.

On Saturday I needed 250htg to buy avocados, 4000htg to pay my moto for the month of August, and I knew I needed another 500htg to pay for a dress fitting this week - I came home from work on Friday, and cash was handed to me - so I was able to pay for everything I needed to.

Typical.

Always.