Haiti, My Love.

The other day, I came across OSV's Haiti Sunday podcast for the August 2012 trip.

OSV (Old Strathcona Vineyard) is my beautiful Edmonton church family that started my love affair with Haiti.  This year, I am in BC and I couldn't make it to Edmonton for Haiti Sunday, and take part in sharing the way I experienced the trip. Instead, I sent a letter to be read out, and they recorded the service and sent me a copy. 

So. The podcast randomly comes on and I am in tears. Absolutely, instantly in tears.

Not only because I hear my letter being read and I am reminded of what Haiti is to me, but also to hear the stories of other team members. To hear how they understood and exerienced the trip is amazing. Every one of us saw the trip, the place and the people differently. It is beautiful.

My heart longs to be back there. Every day. Every minute. Every breath I take, I am wishing it was the hot humid air of Haiti.

I love the people of Haiti more than I knew I could love anyone outside of my family. The people of Haiti are my family.

I love the chaos of Port au Prince. I love the peace of the mountains. I love the food and the weather and the land.

In Haiti, I am enough. Just as I am, I am enough. I don't need to be anything more, have anything more, do anything more than be exactly what I am in that exact moment. It is the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced.

I come home to Canada and live for 50 weeks of the year constantly feeling like I am not enough, I am lacking. I don't have the relationship, the house/apartment, the car, the job, the friends, the clothes, the lifestyle that I should. I don't play music as much as I should. I am not as active as I should be. I need more skills, different skills. I need to be more assertive. I need to work harder, volunteer more, save more money, go out more.

I feel like I should hold on to the dreams I had a few years ago. It is painful to let go of a life that I want so bad. But I know that I have to let it go.

In Canada, I am completely, utterly lost.

I know people don't understand why I love Haiti so much. I don't expect people to understand. It is a dirty, scary, chaotic place. Until you travel there and experience it, it will always be that dirty, scary, chaotic place that we see on TV.

But never in my life have I felt like I belonged or fit in.

In Haiti, I feel like I belong and fit in. In Haiti, I am enough, just as I am.

I miss Haiti and I love Haiti more with every day.