Oh my overwhelmed life....

“For an artist is not a consumer, as our commercials urge us to be. An artist is a nourisher and a creator who knows that during the act of creation there is collaboration. We do not create alone”. – Madeline L'Engle, Walking on Water

It has been a CRAZY month.

I moved into a new house. Which is AMAZING.
I made the transition from full time student to full time worker. Which is rough this year.
I am back home in Alberta for 4 days, visiting my family and friends.
I tried to write this post on Friday night during the plane here. I didn't complete it.

I figured I will post what I had written so far, and finish it off somehow...

May 24, 2013

Well. Here I am on an airplane to Edmonton.

 

My little brother is graduating from high school.

Apparently, he isn’t the little 5 year old I still see some days. It’s weird to think that he’s a real human being, an adult. It is scary, but exciting. He is an amazing guy.

I can’t wait to see my family. It has been almost 5 months since I last saw them. I don’t really get homesick, but I do get lonely for family and community. I am JUST starting to really find that in Vancouver. It’s about time… 

I have picked up a book again, called “Walking on Water” (by Madeline L'Engle). I was first introduced to it almost 6 years ago. I finally have my own copy, but it is a struggle to wade through all the (what I see as) profound thought and wisdom. Every couple of pages, I have to stop and reread several sentences, or even several paragraphs, just to allow the words to soak in. I have to stop myself from highlighting every word in the book. If you have ever felt the tension between Creativity and Christianity, you should really read this book.

I struggle with being creative. All I want to do is create, but I so often feel that creating is a waste of time. I should be working, or cleaning, or exercising, or doing something “important and productive”. I allow others to make me feel like creation is not important.

I also struggle with feeling like anything I create MUST be obviously Christian. If I write a song, I sometimes feel guilty that it is a churchy song. If I paint a picture, I feel uncomfortable if I don't have a Christian theme behind it, or if I can't make it sound Christian.

 

This is not okay.

Madeline L'Engle reminds me over and over that there should be no separation between secular and sacred (in a perfect world, of course). I have not mastered that idea yet.

And me? I MUST create. I have strong emotions. I need to create to quiet those emotions, to bring peace to my life. I don’t feel okay when I am not creating something regularly. I have to learn to accept that about myself and just allow myself the space to be creative, however it comes out.

“Those who believe they believe in God, but without passion in the heart, without anguish of the mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself” – Madeline L'Engle, Walking on Water

I am SO thankful for the new house. Even though I have only been there for 10 days (and now I’m gone for a week!), I have space for an easel. I have space for my instruments. I have space for tools and furniture. I have space for art parties and collaborations.

This space is not only physical, but mental and emotional as well. My roommates are more than happy to have creativity happening in the house. I am SO thankful.

 

This creativity also seeps into how I look at my life. I know that the way I want my life to look is impractical and irrational – it actually feels pretty impossible some days – but I have to stop apologizing for my dreams, and get better at ignoring people who talk down to me about these things. The people that actually know my heart, know who I am, have NEVER made me feel silly about these dreams.

And so, I will just have to keep plugging along. I have to work towards Haiti. Without Haiti, I don't know what my life is anymore. Canada doesn't really have much hold on me anymore. Only because I need to go to school am I still here.

“Clyde Kilby writes, “Meaninglessness inhibits fullness of life and is therefore equivalent to illness. Meaning makes a great many things endurable – perhaps everything… It is not that ‘God’ is a myth, but that myth is the revelation of a divine life in man. It is not we who invent myth; rather, it speaks to us as a Word of God.”” - Madeline L'Engle, Walking on Water



My next moves will involve:

• getting a not-for-profit started
• youth and music
• figuring out a plan for Haiti and I in the future. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? How am I going to make this happen?
• doing some "serious" fundraising for my trip that is coming up (July 3rd, I am coming for you!)
• finding people who are serious about a "cause" and learning everything I can from them

Any suggestions, assistance, information or donation will be accepted!

I am not very good at getting things done when I am so overwhelmed....

PrayPrayPray for me. I need all the help I can get.