Here's a confession....

Here's a confession.

I sometimes search "Haiti" on YouTube, just to see Haiti, just to hear the language and the accents. I watch music videos, videos made by humanitarian organizations, a show about the government in Haiti (Jounen Gouvenman, 23e Conseil de Gouvernement).

I downloaded a Haitian radio app so that I could listen to Haitian music all night.

I know more about Haitian history, politics and news than I do about Canada.

I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me. I should not be this obsessed with Haiti.

But I am.

I feel like I am always repeating myself.

And so I don't write blogs often. I don't post on Facebook often.

I don't want people to get tired of me saying "I miss Haiti, I want to be in Haiti". 

But I do.

Being in Canada is good. I am taken care of. I am safe.

But it is SO HARD to live in Canada when I just want to be in Haiti. This sounds crazy and selfish and naïve. I know. I get it. I hear people say it all the time, even if they don't use those words.

I think about all the things I have given up, am currently giving up, and will have to give up in the future. I can't walk into a store without considering whether or not the product will be useful in Haiti, or if I would be able to even get it to Haiti. What's the point in getting pretty dishes or a piece of furniture if I can't bring it to Haiti?

 I get it. It is not the easy path. It's not the comfortable life.

But I want it. I choose it.

All the things I am starting to think about.... It makes me very lonely sometimes. Most people don't get it. Most people have no idea of the sacrifices we make when we commit to humanitarian work. And I haven't even started making concrete plans to leave. Most people don't want to hear about Haiti, my experiences in Haiti. When I came home, I had more people tell me about their summer than actually asked me about staying in Haiti for 6 weeks. Seriously?

I don't want it to be about me.

I want to tell people about Haiti, about the kids, about the poverty. I want people to understand the gravity of the situation in Haiti.

I want to brag about how amazing the people in Haiti are. I want to brag about the work I see my God doing.

But I won't make people listen to me if they don't want to.

I am so thankful for my friends at school. They have not yet tired of hearing about my trips to Haiti. If I haven't mentioned Haiti in a while, they ask about it. They are the first ones to ask to see pictures, hear stories, suggest fundraising ideas, and even express interest in coming to Haiti with me. They are often the first to believe that I will live in Haiti, that I CAN handle it, and that I need to just go and do it if that is where my heart is.

Unfortunately, it is usually a long-time Christian who smiles and nods, says "good luck with that". They are the first to tell me that it's best to travel and experience things when I am young.

They are the last to encourage me to go and become a "missionary".

Huh.

Pretty interesting.

Think about that next time you are about to crush a person's dreams. Especially if you haven't known them intimately for several years.

Anyways.

Enough frustration for one post, am I right?

People keep asking when I am next going to Haiti. I won't really start planning until the New Year. But.... I am still thinking about what the summer will look like.

My heart wants to spend the whole summer in Haiti - May to September.

I don't know for sure how everything is going to work out and look like, especially as far as Haiti goes. But I know that my heart is impatient. And I know that some serious money stuff needs to get figured out. And I know I have several people to converse with.

I know I want my family to come to Haiti. I've gone four times. I think it's about time my family met the country that has my heart.

And I guess that is that.

I guess tomorrow, I tackle the beginnings of a not-for-profit. I don't know why or how it will help me, but I sincerely feel that this is the next step in my goal of being in Haiti.

Wish me luck, my friends. Thank you for being so supportive.

Bon Nwit!